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Danger! Tortured mind at work. - This satire first published by Laughsend.com in 2000.

INTERNET HEALTH WARNING SHOCK  HORROR!
or
12 more reasons for not using the Internet

Suffering from PMS or PMT? How about Premature  Exasperation or Connectus Interruptus ? No? You don't think so? Well  read on, you very well might be.

I bet you don't realise that every time you  sign-on to discover the limitless wonders of the Internet you are putting your  health and hardware at risk. You probably thought net surfing was a harmless way  to get your jollies, right? - WRONG!

Now, you're going to tell me that  nobody warned you of the dangers you face whilst playing the games, flaming  everyone else in the chat rooms and perusing the porn sites. (Which I'm sure you only ever access for a laugh, or because you need to know what you're protecting your children against!)

Well, wake up and smell the methane, because a  plethora of new health hazards are insidiously undermining the well-being of the world's Internet users, and that means you!

Thus far, none of our altruistic Internet Service Providers (ISPs) seem willing to alert their patrons of these newly discovered dangers. You might ask why? Or you may just Lawson and not give a monkey's.

In the light of the inactivity of the ISPs, a new UK government-sponsored organisation has been proposed to deal with the mushrooming problem. (Yes, even under a Labour Government.) It will be the function of CRAP, the Cyber Rapid-Access Police, to unzip  this directory of cyber-worms and monitor the health hazards to Internet users.

Most of us, I imagine, are aware of the scourge of computer viruses,  and of the antisocial little turds that foist them on unsuspecting revellers  whilst they surf the net. Download anything other than a text-only e-mail and  you may have to live with some dire consequences. Crashed programs, ruined software, wiped files, monitor glass fragments in the knuckles, and oodles of additional expense, are but a few of these consequences.

Unfortunately, few of us have even a passing understanding of the potentially devastating psychological, and sometimes physical, ailments perpetrated by that saviour of communications - the WWW/Internet/Information Super-highway.

Not on the agenda here are conditions like Repetitive Stress Syndrome, eye strain or any other of the mundane excuses used to procure sick days. Rather, it is the more esoteric and misunderstood ailments and cyber-plagues, which are sweeping the web, of which I speak.

Take, for example, Acute Information Overload Syndrome: A boring ailment for boring middle management across the gamut of professions. Apparently they're dropping like flies, unable to mentally process the sheer volume of information coming at them from cyberspace. Shame.

But this is only the start - oh yes!

MSN - Missing Software Neurosis, can happen when you believe advertising claims for software. There always seems to be something you haven't yet acquired that would speed up access/uploading/downloading, increase memory/efficiency/ surfing enjoyment, or even turn you into some sort of Web-God. Meanwhile your family goes without food and clothing, your house comes due for repossession and your creditors are busy beating a path to your door. Pretty soon you begin to believe that, in Somme small way, you are responsible for it all.

AIDS (Acquired Internet Deficiency Syndrome) is now epidemic among the major access providers.  Seemingly, it comes from acquiring more subscribers than they can handle. 'Net  access' becomes problematic, pages 'hang' and connections crash - frustration and stress increase. Forget the 'free hours' of on-line time promised on magazine covers and use the CD as a Frisbee instead - it'll be much more rewarding.

HIV or Hysterical Involuntary Voiding can follow on from AIDS (rather than the other way round). As frustration and stress continue to increase, hysteria isn't far behind. The unfortunate victim voids his/her bladder and/or bowels, producing almost terminal embarrassment. (As well as nasty smells and carpet stains.) Those prone to this ailment should avoid cyber-cafe's and surfing whilst at work.

Connectus Interruptus can happen when your equipment isn't up to the job in hand, (as it were), or you abuse the connection. It can also be caused if your cyber-partner is not performing effectively in the relationship. Can be acutely irritating and embarrassing, as well as leaving one frustrated and unfulfilled.

PMS (Provider Modem Shortage) can have the same effect as Connectus Interruptus  and tends to precipitate irrational, emotional and violent responses, such as forcibly mating one's computer monitor with the nearest TV screen.

This should not be confused with PMT (Post Millennium Tension) which is an extreme state of 'up-tightness', embarrassment and anger following the almost total lack of consequences of the much-heralded Y2K, or Millennium Bug. This condition proliferates mostly among those who sold up and moved to the hills to escape (non-existent) Y2K consequences, or to those who spent, or urged their companies to spend, vast amounts of money on Y2K solutions and the most expensive overtime payments on record!

Premature Exasperation occurs when the first or second failed connection begins to have the same effect as the 10th or 12th failure used to have. Strong links with AIDS and PMS.  This condition can be overcome by patience, and by taking things slowly and gently. Sign-off for a brief period if you feel the urge getting too strong.  Alternately, it is alleged that expensive and prolonged psychotherapy can be of help?

COBWEB - Continuous Online Browsing (of) Web-sites (leading to)  Epidermal Blistering. Common on palms of hands, fingers and inside of thumb but may also effect more intimate places. The definitive indication that you have been surfing way too many dubious sites. Difficult to disguise, or explain to partners, colleagues, and medical staff. A definite ice-breaker when meeting casualty/ER nursing staff.

Anoraknophobia is the chronic fear of being considered a 'Anorak', (UK Speak for super-nerd), or worse, a Train-Spotter! (UK Speak for the ultimate peak of super-nerd-dom.)  There is no known cure for Anoraknophobia or Train-Spotting.

AOL -  Aberrant Operator Lachrymosity/Lesion. This is the penultimate state of disillusionment before logging-off for good. Happens when an excessive amount of provider downtime prevails. Results in tears of resigned depression, or, in a  highly noticeable, diagnostic lesion on the forehead of sufferers, caused by repeatedly banging head against walls or other solid objects. This condition bears an interesting mnemonic analogy with a certain ISP. AOL can lead to -

SAD (Surfing Apathy Disorder) A terminal disorder which leads to final disconnection from the Internet. Extreme cases have driven disillusioned surfers to the torments Train-Spotting. (Anoraknophilia)

It is never cool to be considered a SAD bastard, and even less so, to be a SAD bastard Train-Spotter. (UK-Pub-Speak)

The tide of disorders is rising, so lobby your own government, now, for prominent health warnings on all Internet/ISP software packaging! Better still - send me money and I'll do the lobbying for you. You know it makes sense!

This Edit - 5th June, 2000  Originally published by Laughsend.com